“Life is a banquet. And the tragedy is that most people are starving to death.”
– Anthony de Mello
Growing up in Montreal, skiing was a big part of my life. I enjoyed a few brief moments of glory as a competitive skier and was considered a prospect for the Canadian Olympic Ski Team. I liked to fling myself off ski jumps, soaring through the air like a bird. What has this to do with enlightenment? It was a good preparation for the spiritual journey, which is often like jumping into vast, empty space, with nowhere to land.
After graduating from McGill University, I spent two years in Paris, completing a master’s in art history at La Sorbonne. I then went to London, where I worked on my Ph.D. at the Courtauld Institute. I met my future wife Fran, fell madly in love, and got married. After three exciting years in London, I completed my doctorate, returned to Canada, and began teaching at the University of Toronto. My first year of teaching Art History 101 was terrifying, but I eventually got the hang of it and loved strutting in front of the class.
By the time I was thirty I thought I had the world by the balls. I had published a book called The Group of Seven, which soared to the top of the best seller list and became one of the most successful art books ever published in Canada. Soon after I came out with another art book, Landmarks of Canadian Art, which was Gift Book of the Year. I became the darling of the Canadian art world and was asked to give lectures across the country, speak on talk shows, and host art conferences. Being “world famous in Canada” was still not enough.
After seeing Sir Kenneth Clark’s Civilization series, I became passionate about filmmaking. Before long I gave up the comfortable security of academic life to travel the world, making documentaries on art, nature, and solar energy with my wife Fran. We edited the films while living in the Canadian outback next to a forty-foot waterfall. Many of the films won awards and we had dreams of moving to Hollywood. God loves it when you make plans.
During this frenetic activity, I happened to attend a yoga class, when yoga was still considered by many to be a “cult” activity. To my surprise I discovered an inner peace and calm I didn’t know existed. Before long Fran and I gave up the film business, moved to the US with our son Peter, where we became part of a fledgling spiritual community called the Kripalu Yoga Ashram. For the next ten years we were an integral part of the Kripalu community as it grew into the largest residential yoga retreat center in the world, with over 20,000 visitors a year. We led programs on yoga, health, and personal growth. We thought we were well on our way to enlightenment.
When Fran discovered she had Stage IV breast cancer in 1989, we moved to Kauai and built a beautiful estate overlooking the ocean. Fran explored every alternative healing modality imaginable, but they didn’t save her. It was an extraordinary gift to walk side by side with her in the dying process. Soon after Fran’s death, I met Linda, who helped me heal and open to love in a way I never dreamed possible. Over the next ten years we lived in some of the most beautiful parts of the country, creating the home of our dreams each place we went. We made more than enough money to live comfortably on.
In 1996 Linda and I founded the Ramana Retreat Center on 100 acres in New Mexico, dedicated to the great Indian sage Ramana Maharshi. We had grand plans for a sustainable community of like-minded friends, but circumstances soon turned the dream into a nightmare. After closing the retreat center in 1994, Linda and I moved to Charlottesville, Virginia, where we bought a 130-acre farm. I slowed down for the first time in my life and became shepherd to a flock of sheep and goats (plus two cows and ten chickens). I helped birth lambs, milk goats, and pull calves from their mother’s uterus. The animals led me to into the silence I had been searching for all these years.
During this time we continued to pursue our passion for the nondual spiritual teachings. I began to write my book on Ultimate Happiness, and we went to countless retreats, with spiritual teachers such as Ram Dass, Adyashanti, Gangaji, Francis Lucille, and others. The carrot of enlightenment seemed ever so close, and for fleeting moments we thought we had arrived. But that was not to be.
In 2006 we moved to Maui for Linda’s health and built a house in Haiku. I lived the dream of living in Hawaii, writing, playing in the ocean, enjoying a good glass of wine, and having a wonderful community of friends. We held meditations every week and thought this would go on forever. Then, in 2010 Linda unexpectedly died. My dream was shattered.
Soon after Linda’s death I met Susan. We shared ten years together enjoying the magic of Maui. Then, in 2021, I moved to Bethesda, MD to live close to my son and his family. Now in my eighties, I’m starting life over. I’m back to being a beginner all over again. I’ve joined the Insight Meditation community and found new friends, realizing there is nothing to do and nowhere to go. As a Zen monk once said, “Relax, nothing is under control.”